Based on the testimony of “I Was in Hell: My Illumination of Conscience“
Fabienne’s testimony is powerful. It shows the boundless sadness that takes hold of a life lived apart from God. But even more, it reveals the spiritual source of this ill-being that only an experience of Divine Mercy and Love allows us to know. What surge of light and sweetness penetrates one’s soul when it lets itself be touched by mercy and enters the life of the sacraments! We should never forget the sadness of our contemporaries who live far from God. A Christian can think with a certain levity that those who give in to their disordered passions or build their life upon uncertain and obscure beliefs can be happy.
The truth is quite different. They carry within themselves a profound sadness, and in the flow of their life, they are prey to the power of the evil spirits that manipulate their freedom. The joy they display comes from their survival instinct. It is artificial but does not reveal itself as such until light enters their heart. Nothing is more powerful than the testimony of somebody who entered into the light after having known such darkness. A single gaze upon the Sacred Heart (this painting where Jesus points to the wound of His Heart, from which rays burst out) and the life of Fabienne, thirsting for love and chained to her passions, takes a flip.
Jesus leads her to the source of liberation and healing that are the sacraments of Confession and of the Eucharist. Oh, if we could listen to this testimony! We could understand what liberations and illuminations the Sacrament of Reconciliation brings about. As a priest, I saw hundreds of lives turn from darkness to light in one single confession. That does not exclude that you need time to progressively consent to not returning to the slavery of sin that reactivates our links to the evil spirits.
Those who share in the ill-being of Fabienne’s previous life will discover here the hidden face of many practices that they deemed innocent. It is not necessarily, the practices in themselves that are bad but, being deprived of a real relationship with God, they are built into a false religion. There are many gates through which the evil spirits take possession of the soul, and thus mistrust progressively ties it up by removing its freedom. We must always have mistrust of practices which we do not clearly know what is manifested through them. We rightfully label them as occult practices, in the sense that they serve as a cover.
In reality, behind these “covers”, are spirits with evil intentions, hiding and working. Impersonal forces do not exist. God is a Person – light, sweetness, and tenderness. He has a face. Every face that hides itself is suspected of putting on a suspicious grin. We can only invite people who will read these lines to mistrust any relation with the spirits, hiding behind the facade of religious practice. What is actually hidden behind the spirits or the dead that speak through the voice of mediums? What mediation do these so-called mediums practice?
The testimony of Fabienne expresses that to us. Often, behind these false manifestations of the dead that speak to the living, there are hidden evil spirits. In the long or short term, these “consultations” bring out that which Fabienne expressed very well for having lived it out: an evil being which carries with it an unbearable confusion for the soul. These evil spirits weave links that progressively limit freedom. This testimony reaches each one of us by showing the hidden face not only of our sins, but also of these troubling practices that invade our society and substitute themselves for the true religion.
They promise the abatement of the ill-being that gnaws at our heart, wounded and thirsting for love, but they immerse us into an indefinable ill-being.
The more we seek to free ourselves, the more we feel bound and prey to sadness. When the Mercy of Jesus entered the heart of Fabienne, she, in fact, discovered the flip side of the decor. First of all, she acknowledged her own responsibility – very important and very present in this testimony – and then the role of the evil spirits that sought to take her freedom and creep into her soul so as to possess her nearly totally. She became conscious of the ignorance in which she found herself and began to taste true freedom, the light that enlightens the heart and especially the infinite tenderness of God.
In the great love of Jesus,
−Father Jean Eudes Doctor of Theology
My Illumination of Conscience—
The peace of Jesus be with you! Beloved brothers and sisters, I come to witness today that Christ brought me back to life!
My parents had me baptized a few days after my birth. I followed all the catechism classes, and I made my First Communion. My mother, a holy woman, taught me to pray every night. However, after my First Communion, I no longer attended the Catholic Church until 1996, when Jesus came to save me. I was 32 years old.
I will tell you a bit about the life that I led all those years, far from Jesus.
Searching for Love
As soon as I turned 15, my life took a reversal. I began to smoke, frequented filthy bars, participated in card readings, practiced numerology, and wrote to astrologers. When I finished my studies in school, I spent all the weekends in discotheques, smoking hashish and drinking alcohol. I wore miniskirts and designer clothes. Without guilty feelings, I frolicked with the men I met. I was searching for Love with a capital L.
Satan kept me bound and prevented me from turning towards the love of Christ. He blinded me with what men could give me: pleasure of the flesh, money, wellbeing, and the world. I was under his hellish bindings. I needed somebody to take much care of me. I was suicidal and self-destructive after having sustained much wickedness in my youth, and Satan, in his cruelty, poisoned my painful wounds.
It was during an evening in a nightclub that I met a man, and at the end of a few months we decided to live common law. I did not know that if I had sexual relations while I was not married in the Church that my soul was uniting with impure spirits. At the end of 5 years, I left him and I moved to another city.
There, I made the acquaintance of an astrologer and a Rosicrucian of AMORC, the Ancient Mystical Order Rosae Crucis.
The “Light” of Satan
The astrologer proposed that I have my karmic astrological theme done, and I accepted! She explained to me that this consisted of studying my astrological theme based on my previous lives and studying my karma. Sometime later, I went to a spirit center to listen to the teachings of a guru whom I had found in a book that I studied, titled The Gospel According to Spiritism by Allan Kardec.
This guru proposed that we should participate, on Wednesday evenings, in live seances of spiritism. Due to my innocence, I accepted. And there, I began to see mediums who entered trances, and who supposedly received messages from the Cure of Ars, Saint Theresa of the Child Jesus, the Mother of God, and even sometimes the Lord Jesus Christ or extra-terrestrials! Had I known that these were fallen spirits that delivered these messages, I would have left this spirit center right away.
One Wednesday evening, the guru proposed to have a great cleansing of the soul! I suffered greatly in my interior, but at that moment, I did not know that it consisted of my accumulated sins that were oppressing me. Because I believed in reincarnation, I thought that this interior suffering was due to the karma that I had accumulated in my so-called previous lives. Believing that the guru had the power to free me of my previous lives, I accepted his proposal and sat next to him.
He was serving the demon, and by accepting to give myself to his power, I allowed the demon to take possession of me. The evil spirits had penetrated me because of my errant ways: card reading, pendulum, astrology, horoscope, palm reading, initiation to yoga, adoration of Buddha, esoteric meditation, opening to chakras, chi gong, and many other practices. The guru laid his hands on two of my chakras, the chakra of the heart and the chakra of the third eye and channeled the powers he had acquired from the demon. Then he told me that he had transmitted light to me. But unfortunately, it was the light of God’s enemy.
The Demons Entered Me
I went home and began to feel ill. At the next spirit seance, I lived through a very difficult experience – the kundalini arose!
The kundalini is a powerful energy lodged in the sacrum bone at the base of the back. When it is aroused, it climbs along the spine and works its way from one chakra center to another, right up to the coronary chakra located above the head. During this experience, I had the impression that I was raptured to heaven such was the power of this energy.
What I had not understood at that moment was that by the practicing of yoga and of the kundalini, I gave power to Satan to enter into me and lead me from my interior. I did not know that the practice of yoga could open the door of my soul to evil spiritual entities. Yoga is not a simple practice. It belongs to a complex religion from which it is hard to separate oneself. It made me adore divinities that had spiritual functions. I learned from a priest who is knowledgeable on these questions that yoga is a Hindu practice that unites the temporal me, “Jiva”, to “Brahman”, the infinite – the Hindu concept of God.
An Impersonal God
This god is presented as an impersonal spiritual substance. It is not Jesus Christ, the personal God of Revelation. By invoking strange deities that do not exist, I risked entering into contact with demons and submitting myself to them.
I then realized that by practicing yoga, I was adoring a god other than the Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Consequently, I was breaking God’s first commandment: “You shall not have gods other than Me.” Feeling more and more sick, I decided to abandon these techniques. But since I had opened myself to the chakras, I was between life and death for many long months.
Since my thirst for knowledge had still not been quenched, I joined the Rosicrusians AMORC, and I quickly began to receive small booklets for study. In this Order I studied the psychic body of man, stellar travelling, human aura, chakras, vocal sounds, mantras… Throughout these studies, I sought to know and understand the god of my heart that we called “The Cosmic One.” But I understood nothing of this false god and its energies.
And what kind of love relationship did I have with that god? None!
There was no loving, heart-to- heart relationship as I can now live out with the Jesus of love in the Eucharist.
New Age Practices
In my research into these New Age practices that do not come from God, I practiced magnetism, telepathy, pendulum, all kinds of magic, hypnosis, New Age breathing, aura reading, all forms of healing through energies, crystals, music and colors, meditations on New Age music and reiki – all practices which the bishops of the USA had warned against. In my body, I experienced that Satan had placed his energy within me with his power, and I began to tremble.
Around this time, I met a man in the Rosicrucian Order who had been alone for many years because his wife had left him for another man.
A few months later, we decided to get a civil marriage. We could not get married in the Catholic Church because he had previously received the Sacrament of Marriage.
My Holy Wounds Will Save You!
Then there came a blast of grace! While looking at a poster of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, I heard His voice say to me: “My holy wounds will save you”! The wounds of His painful Passion! Soon after, during a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, I accepted to be reinstated in the Catholic Church. There I was, so little, bearing my great misery before the Blessed Sacrament that was exposed, the Real Presence of the living Jesus – body, blood, soul and divinity.
I Saw My Soul!
Upon my return to France, God gave me a first supernatural experience in the midst of which He asked me to do penance. He showed me my soul enclosed inside the Beast that had the head of a Lion as described in the Apocalypse. I saw the demons that surrounded me and were ready to take me with them to the place of darkness. These demons were linked to each other in my sins.
When I began to scan more deeply into my soul, I saw myself as a hyena descending into the abyss, into the crater of fire, blaspheming and feeling hate towards God, like the damned. The state of my soul was the consequence of my disobedient acts towards the Law of God, and Satan told me in his fury: “I condemn you to the punishment of hell.” I did not know that Satan was burning in hell and wanted everybody to burn with him. His hatred had penetrated me. I saw how Satan and his fallen angels with the damned were attacking souls at the level of their heart and their mind so as to destroy them. The worst is that I heard my soul saying: “Satan, I love you!” It was truly horrible! I was a rotting demon!
A Persecutor of the Law of Christ
I was a worldly woman, a seductress, a courtesan, and a dominatrix. I would say that I was a liberated woman, but in fact I was chained to Lucifer. My rebellion had begun while listening to rock music, the Beatles, and ACDC. The spirits of this evil music had entered into me… and I said everywhere, “peace and love!” I used these words with some of my hippie friends. My interior rebellion led me to be in favor of homosexuality, divorce, living common law, and abortion.
At that moment, I had not yet been made conscious that I was a great persecutor of the law of Christ. I was bound by the abyss, and I could not react otherwise. It was Satan’s light, which is nothing other than darkness, that lived within me. If my mother had not prayed a lot and had not made sacrifices for my soul, at this time I would still be blinded by the light of Lucifer. Fasting and prayer helped me a lot.
Satan Hates All Souls
Then, I heard the enemy of God speak to the Blessed Virgin, whom he fears terribly. Speaking about souls he said: “I hold them all, I will have them all!” If you only knew how the Blessed Virgin sheds tears because she sees the Beast engulf more and more souls. So she sheds many tears of blood. Satan condemns souls through love of the world, money, the flesh, and New Age.
If you only knew the hatred he has towards each one of us, and towards God and priests! It is terrible! God said to me, “Reverence my priests.” Priests are the apple of the eye of Jesus. Without priests, nobody could get to heaven, as it is they only who give us the sacraments which open the Life of Christ within us and grant us His forgiveness. I heard that Satan holds many priests because they do not do penance and no longer pray. If the demon succeeds in damning a priest with a woman, he then rejoices because during that time, the priest no longer accomplishes his duty which is to save souls. Woe to these women who turn priests away from their vocation! They are already under God’s justice and the torments of hell await them if they do not repent!
The Way, The Truth, and The Life
After these moments of intense horror, Jesus pulled me from the abyss by taking me to Him. I felt His power take me out of this state of darkness, in which I was terrified of everything. God, in His great goodness, consoled me and told me with great charity: “You are Mine. Think of Me only, Think of loving Me only. I will heal you. Bathe in My Blood. I created you with My Hands. Give Me great love and sin no more. No longer sell your soul to the devil. No longer betray Me. I am your only master. I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No longer remain far from Me. Listen to My words, observe My commandments, observe My Sabbaths – that is to say the Day of The Lord.”
As for the commandments of God, I knew that there were ten, but I did not know more than that. So I took the Bible and I read about them, and after getting to know them, I discovered that since the age of fifteen I had been living in the state of very grave sin, and that some of these were mortal sins. Then Jesus told me, “Defend My law.” And that is what I have been doing since 1996. In order to serve Him well, the Holy Spirit told me that He gave me the charism of Truth!
My Invalid Marriage
Then, I went back to the one to whom I was to be wed and explained to him that we had to live in chastity until the civil wedding. A few months went by and we got married at the town hall. Two days after the wedding, I left the wedding chamber because Jesus came to remove me by telling me: “Obey Me. I ask for reparation. Your sin offended Me. Submit to Me, My Daughter.” Then He showed me the demons to whom I was bonded because of my sin of adultery.
Imagine my despair! It was impossible for me to think that I could live without a man. I needed to be protected… I had just married so as to begin a home and a family, but God told me at that moment that it was forbidden to procreate because I did not receive the Sacrament of Marriage.
The following morning I looked for a priest confessor who received me charitably and I explained what God was asking of me. The priest confirmed that we had to live as brother and sister, and he added that I could receive communion only if I lived in chastity. Then he explained that divorce does not dissolve Church marriage and that my husband remained married before God to his lawful wife till death do them part, even if she had rebuilt her life (now living with another person). What God has bound, man cannot separate!
I know very well that God will demand accounts from this woman. God told me that He cries over unfaithful women. This woman who left her husband will be told by God during her particular judgement: “Woman, what have you done with your husband?” Had she prayed to God, He would have had them reconcile, but her heart was hardened. You know that if a woman does not forgive her husband or leaves him, her soul is in the abyss.
However, the Church does allow for bodily separation, but not divorce.
Brothers and sisters, who are we to not forgive while God forgave his executioners from the Cross? How do you expect to be reunited with your enemies in heaven if, on earth, you do not love them? God told me, “If you want Me to forgive you, forgive others”, as He taught us in the prayer ‘Our Father’.” I was truly liberated when I forgave everybody, when I had Masses celebrated for my persecutors, and when I prayed for those who injured me.
After leaving the priest, back at home, I began to feel much distress because I had to speak to my “husband”, who had become my brother in just a few hours. He accepted the situation with much difficulty, but he accepted it anyway because the salvation of his soul was at stake. I then explained to him that I was going to leave the Rosicrucian Order AMORC.
Peace Returned to My Soul
Convinced that I was on a deep erroneous path, I began to tear up into small pieces all the books by Rosicrucian authors. I tore up all of the books on numerology, palm reading, card reading, books on spiritism by Allan Kardec and Leon Denis, the New Age books such as those by H. Blavatsky and A. Bailey, and those about occult sciences. I got rid of them because as long as they remained at my place, the demons lived there as well.
Once the Blessed Virgin was enthroned at home, calm returned to my household. I replaced all my old books with books such as the Bible, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the Lives of Saints, and the Revelations of Souls in Purgatory.
True Freedom in Confession
I experienced great interior suffering because of my numerous sins. Moved by the Holy Spirit, I began to have Masses celebrated for my soul in order to regain peace. During the celebration of these Masses, the Holy Spirit would again awaken my conscience to all the sins I committed since my childhood.
When I decided to go and see a priest, the devil was furious. He told me, “Go to hell!” Then when I rushed to the church and the devil pursued me, saying, “You are forgiven, you are forgiven.” But I knew very well that if I confessed directly to God without going through the priest, I could never enter heaven. I knew that if I did not enter the confessional, I would not be freed of my sins by the Church, the only one that has this power. So, I held firm. The demon left me, and the priest received me with great charity, but he was lightly surprised to see that I had in my hand sheets of paper on which I noted all my sins. I had written them so as to not forget them.
I began to recite my sins without looking the priest in the eyes because I was very ashamed at that moment. I did not yet know that Jesus was present in the priest so as to take me in His arms and wash me in His precious Blood. So, I buried my head in my papers and I read from my notes. I confessed all which I have spoken to you (civil marriage, common law, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, belief in reincarnation, New Age…) Then I added, speaking softly, “I committed many sins of the flesh – I took the pill, I wore mini-skirts and made men sin with their gazing, I had words and thoughts that were impure and uncharitable, I did not go to Mass on Sunday, I led a friend to have an abortion in a clinic, I committed many sins of gluttony, I did not pray, I did not share with the poor, I had many idols who were artists and pop stars, I saw X-rated films, scary films, and I read evil books.” I also added all the capital sins that I committed such as pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony, sloth.
The priest listened to me with patience and charity, and since then I have been going to confession regularly. I then went before the tabernacle for my penance, and there Jesus told me with all His Fatherly Love, “Your sin is erased.” What a grace! Yes, brothers and sisters, Jesus erased my sins. He consumed my troubles. He sustains My weakness, as long as I remain very poor in my interior.
Healing Through the Sacraments and Prayer
After the many receptions of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I met many priests who administered prayers of exorcism over my esoteric studies. I often received the Sacrament of Healing, as I was in a critical state due to my opening to chakras, and the action of Satan who had destroyed my interior. The various sacraments helped me to heal, and I was so much attracted to Jesus that I would spend my afternoons close to the tabernacle in a church.
During these times, I began to make the Stations of the Cross every day for the release of souls in purgatory. God asked me to continue this work of mercy and He explained that purgatory is His Mercy, and hell His Justice. I understood that many souls were lost. So, I told God: “But isn’t it
You Lord who condemned these souls that are in hell?” and He answered: “The souls condemned themselves.” As the apostle James said in his epistles: “It is our sin that tempts us, not God.” God does not condemn, He leaves the soul free to love Him or to love Satan! God is Love!
So, I told myself that I would consecrate my life to praying for the salvation of all souls. Jesus encouraged me to do so. One day He told me at 15 hours (3.00 p.m.).
“Implore my mercy on the souls. Pray to Me through my Passion.” And as I suffered, knowing that many of my friends were far from the Church, Jesus told me: “Never cease praying to Me for them”, and I assure you that I will never cease praying because I love them, and because I know the suffering of the souls in hell since I had lived that for a brief instant myself. For two years, I spent all my afternoons near Jesus in a church close to my home and at night I would return home to the gentleman with whom I was living. We lived together as brother and sister.
A Time of Grace
Then one day, while listening to a tape on the life of Saint Francis of Assisi, I was deeply touched by his extreme poverty. With my first spiritual father, a Dominican priest, we decided that I would leave home. I would divorce, since my marriage was not one before God, and then I could proceed with the Catholic Church. So, then I entered the Clarist Order of Sisters and I was cloistered. It was a time of grace. At the end of fifteen months, I left the monastery and I answered God’s call who asked me to serve Him and to witness to His Mercy. With great charity, Jesus asked me to offer my life to Him and before such great love I accepted as heaven was asking me to refuse nothing to God.
For lodging, I returned to my parents’ and I began to work with many editors at recording conferences that I gave on the Holy Spirit, on the souls in purgatory, on the apparitions recognized by the Catholic Church, on the dangers of New Age, on the Eucharist, on the lives of saints, and on the message of merciful Jesus to Saint Faustina.
Merciful Jesus
You surely know the words of Merciful Jesus: “I am offering people a vessel with which they are to keep coming for graces to the fountain of mercy. That vessel is this image with the signature ‘Jesus, I trust in You’” (PD 327).
Personally, I try to recite the Divine Mercy chaplet every day at 3.00 p.m. because Jesus promised this: “Even if there was a sinner most hardened, if he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my Infinite Mercy” (PD 687). He also said: “It pleases Me to grant everything they ask of Me by saying the chaplet (PD 1541) if what you ask for is compatible with My Will” (PD 1731).
During a conference on the Divine Mercy, I met a man who had never married. Quickly, we got engaged at the church and remained chaste, but two months before the wedding we separated because it was not the person that I needed. God had told me beforehand, twice, “I want you body and soul”, but I resisted Him a lot before surrendering to His Divine Will! He also said to me, “Let Me decide your eternal salvation.”
I let the Divine Mercy direct my soul so as to save it, but because of my own free will, I was once again heading toward the eternal fires of hell. I therefore submitted to God in agreement with my spiritual father.
The Blessed Virgin invited me to no longer leave a place for man in my heart and so I took a vow of chastity, heart to heart with Jesus of Love, before the Blessed Sacrament exposed.
The Soul of The Guru
And it was here that God gave me another mystical experience!
My soul found itself in a deserted place. I was on some kind of a platform and there was a path.
I advanced on that path and found myself before a sea of fire in which there were souls. I saw a hole with a crackling fire inside. There were a lot of flames. And then I found myself in a dark place dangling on a wall while great streams of light beamed down from heaven. The damned were angry and very threatening when I was looking at them and they told me, “We hate you!” Their hate burned me and their disdain wounded my heart.
Upon his death, the guru who had opened the chakras descended into this place of darkness. His soul was lost for eternity because he refused Jesus. He freely wanted to remain in his pride, and he did not regret his faults. So, God abandoned him to himself. God flees proud souls. He told me that He loves little souls, humble souls!
God showed me that the soul of the guru that was damned by God for having much offended Him without repenting, was working in my soul to tempt me every second. I hear him and Satan cry when they cannot get to make me yield to the temptations that they continually send me for the loss of my soul. He does everything to damn me. The Blessed Virgin told me that I had to resist the diabolical suggestions to which I have often yielded. It is thanks to the Sacrament of Confession that I can still be in His mercy.
I have nothing against this damned soul for enticing me into temptations because I know very well that it is the duty of all the souls that are damned. They want to know nothing, neither about us nor about God! They would change neither their sufferings nor their pain in order to go to heaven!
Their mission is hatred, destruction, lack of love. It is a torment that will never end. It is a devouring fire that devours their entrails. But they are damned by God because they did not want to love Him. They drag all the souls that they can into this place where hatred and destruction are always present! Everything is but bitterness and their mission is to destroy the souls. If God had allowed a thorn in my flesh as for Saint Paul, it is so that I will fight and become a saint. His grace is sufficient for me!
I noticed that there are certain souls on this earth in the state of darkness. I had warned them to repent but they did not. And while alive, some mocked what I told them. So, God in a strong tone, told me: “No longer bother with them” and I understood how they will confront the Justice of God at the moment of their judgement. And that is what happened!
